This picture is my daughter and I in August of 1988. I was so skinny! I wish I could get that thin again but it’s not gonna happen. I won’t tell you what I was doing to be that skinny.. It was bad. I’ll never go that route again I was 21 years young here and having a fabulous time with all the friends and parties and life. But I wouldn’t go back there for anything. I’ll just stay here thank you very much.

I scanned about 50 or 60 pictures yesterday. I looked at hundreds.. We have a lot of pictures and quite frankly I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of them. Some are really fading. It’s sad. I found pictures of my Mom I had forgotten about. I can’t wait to scan and share them with my family. I have a few picked out to get duplicated and put in frames for presents. That’s my favorite kind of present.

I’m still not wanting to blog much. I’m on facebook a lot lately. I was so surprised to get a message from an old best friend that I haven’t talked to in about 13 years! We got on the phone and talked for over an hour two days ago. I have missed her a lot through the years and have been thinking of her for about a month. Then she found me!! It’s very cool to be in touch after all this time. We have quite a history. I pointed her in this direction so she’ll be reading my blog too. It’s really exciting.

I’ve missed all of you and you may have noticed me popping in and commenting again finally. I am hoping to get back on here at least an hour a day. Life is surprisingly busy right now and it’s a really good thing.

No new news really, we are finally having the estate sale we have needed to have for so long. In two weeks. So we’re getting ready for that. Hopefully we make lots of $$. We found an old video of Tee’s Grandparents from when they first built this house and were settling and all the furniture was in exactly the same place as when Grandma died! That was 20something years ago too. It’s time to sell it all and get our own stuff.

My weight loss and fitness journey continues. I gained a pound at my weigh in this past Wednesday, depressing! But today I’m down again. I have been really cutting my carbs lately and it seems to be helping. Plus I’m still working out 6 days a week. I wish my body was like it was back in my 20’s and 30’s. I had no problem dropping weight. All I have left is about 9 pounds and it just keeps hanging on for dear life!

Hope you are all having a great weekend. It’s just beginning for me. 8:00 am on Saturday morning and all is quiet and well.. Happy Saturday everyone.

My weight is fluctuating again, due to eating way too much sodium.  I can’t seem to give up the salt.  It’s annoying.  But the cool thing is my body is really changing even though the scale isn’t reflecting it much lately.  My clothes fit better and I look really good.  I tried on some shorts I bought last summer that didn’t fit and they fit perfectly now :)  I just want to stay right here and be complacent but I won’t.  I’m sure I’ll push myself to lose another 10 pounds or so.

Not much to write about in here.  I just don’t feel like blogging.  I am really happy and I tend to write more when things are bad.  Things are really wonderful.  I am still going to my meetings and I am even treasurer for one meeting.

T. and I will be celebrating our 13 year anniversary on February 16.  13 years!!!  And we almost didn’t make it.  I am so glad we did.  It’s been such a rough year (again) but this year will be better.  Things are definitely on the upswing.

We won’t be going to Laughlin like last year but we’ll have fun anyway.  We always have wonderful anniversaries.  I still have to go shopping for T’s present.  Maybe this week.  I have the perfect gift in mind.

I think we sold a really big piece of furniture on Craigslist, the China Cabinet.  It’s a Hibriten original and worth a lot of money.  Happy that it seems to have sold.

Not much else happening.  The Cardinals lost and we were very sad.  I’m just happy our boys fought to the very end.  They did not give up and they deserved to be there.  It was fantastic.  But also heartbreaking..  I’m glad football is over.   Next year will be even better.

Hopefully I can get back here and read your journals today, if not I’ll be back tomorrow.  Have a great Tuesday

Hot and Creamy Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Ingredients

16 oz Daisy Lite sour cream
8 oz pkg. Great Value 1/3 less fat than cream cheese (neufchatel), softened
3 TB butter (not lite, it won’t taste right)
1 can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
(I like Roland brand at Walmart) NOT MARINATED ONES!!!
10 oz pkg. frozen, chopped spinach, defrosted and squeezed dry (don’t go insane trying to get all the water out, its not that big of a deal)
8 servings of reduced fat parmesan style topping (Kraft)

Nutritional Info

Fat: 4.3g
Carbohydrates: 3.1g
Calories:60.9
Protein: 2.3g

Melt your butter in a saucepan. Add drained and chopped artichoke hearts and spinach and cook for about 5 minutes stirring frequently.

Add cream cheese, sour cream, and Parmesan. Mix well. Add garlic salt to taste. Reduce heat and stir occasionally until heated through and thickened. Remove from heat. Serve warm with tortilla chips.

2 TB= 1 serving

I am guess-timating here on the amount of serving sizes. You will probably eat more than 2 TB, its really good!!! Make a double batch and keep warm in your crockpot for a crowd!!

Number of Servings: 30

Recipe submitted by SparkPeople user KATSAMCAMSMOM.

GO CARDINALS  GO CARDINALS  GO CARDINALS  GO CARDINALS  GO CARDINALS  GO CARDINALS

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I haven’t been able to get around to people’s blogs like I usually do. Sorry about that. It’s not that I don’t think of you guys, I do. We are just busy with life.

We have so much jewelry to sort through and sell. It’s a big job. Grandma didn’t have junk jewelry. It is all worth something. So we are getting pictures and prices ready.

We have the house full of furniture too. Tee keeps telling me when she sells enough of it I’ll be able to move my massive bookcase in here with all my beloved books. You would think that would motivate me to get all this stuff posted for sale but it’s a pain in the arse. Sometimes she thinks she should get retail price for things. Not gonna happen. But sometimes my opinion means nothing. Frustrating…

We watched a couple of movies last night. “Away From Her” on Showtime. It was really sad. A woman struggling with alzheimers and her husband of 44 years make the decision for her to be put in a home. He has to let go of her and she is the love of his life. I cannot imagine going through this. We cried as we watched it. It was one of those movies that you really shouldn’t watch when you are in emotional PMS. Depressing.

But then we watched “Skinwalkers” which was a werewolf movie and sexy as hell. I loved it. We both were surprised it was as good as it was. There were good werewolves and bad ones. And they were all very attractive. My kind of movie. Kind of like Interview with a Vampire but more low budget. Great and surprising ending. Loved it. No more tears

Had a hard time sleeping last night. My legs were aching a lot. The workouts are strengthening my muscles but they hurt at night. Took some ibuprofen and it helped a bit. I am slacking this morning. I am only due for 40 minutes of cardio but I’m just not feeling it today. I may just take the day off and make up for it. Or I may just workout later today and switch it up a bit. I can do that..

Off to the grocery later. We are out of cat food and our spoiled cats are having none of that. They always have dry food but the wet food is their twice a day treat and they are on a tight schedule. They start warning us a half hour before feeding time. You can’t ignore them that’s for sure.

OK, enough with the rambling. I need to get off this couch. Hope you all have a lovely Thursday. I’m sure I will. I have plenty to keep me busy.

It’s almost February. I think it’s my favorite month of the year. No death anniversaries. Just LOVE anniversaries

My workouts are going fantastic. I lost another 1 1/2 pounds! I am only 9 pounds away from my goal now. I think I need to post a picture of me. The weight loss is very noticeable. I can fit into some jeans I couldn’t wear for about 2 years. I’m proud of myself. I have been really watching my carbs too. It’s hard for me to do because I love bread so much. But I’ve upped my protein. I’m also watching the sodium and I’ve noticed that little water weight gain has gone down tremendously.

Tee went for her job interview (she scheduled it online) and they told her they were doing no hiring. Just layoffs. So they will keep her application on file. It’s all good, the right job will be put in her path. She is just doing the footwork. It’s hard for her not to panic. For some reason I feel completely calm about things. I am usually the one to worry and freak out over money but I just feel like it will all work out.

Emotionally I was always the one who did all the leaning. Lately I feel much more balanced emotionally. I am continuing with my Alanon meetings and with watching my diet I really feel it’s helping tremendously. I was always a sugar binge kind of gal. Now that I’ve pretty much removed white sugar from my diet I am on a much more even keel. Just steady.. No ups and downs. At least not every day anyway.. lol

I am in PMS right now so I ate a few gummy bears last night and a candy cane. I still have them left from Christmas. They tasted really good and I feel fine this morning. Usually I’m groggy after too much sugar. Maybe because I’m not doing it all the time now? Anyway I’m grateful.

Today is my official weigh in day and I was excited to see I went down again. I am working out 6 days a week now. This is only the second week of that, I hope I can continue. I want to get off this last 9 pounds in about 2 months. If it comes off faster I won’t complain but I have to maintain this way of life now so it doesn’t come back. That’s a little scary.

I filed my taxes and I’m not getting as much money as I expected but it’s all good. I am grateful to be getting a refund at all. I’ve owed the IRS for the past 5 years or so. It’s wonderful to be getting money from them for a change.

This weekend is the superbowl! I can’t wait. We have no big plans but I’m looking for some good recipes. GO CARDINALS!

That’s it for now. Hope you all are having a great week so far. I’m off to work out and eat breakfast. I’ll try to stop by and read you all later this afternoon…

Is he seriously this hard up? I can’t even imagine being on a show like this and then having people I know watch it. What is wrong with VH1 anyway? Whatever happened to the music? Now you have to watch VH1 Classic just to see music.

And back to the tranny girls. Actually tranny is not a cool thing to call them. It gives real transvestites, the hot ones a bad name. These girls are skanky with a capital “S”.. And stupid! They couldn’t talk their way out of a paper bag. I can’t get over how poor their grammar is. And how dumb they are. They are all about stroking this guy and you can tell they just want to be on the show for the “fame”..

And what about the people that actually follow these girls? That think they are celebrities or something? I don’t get it.

I don’t know why Tee is getting into these shows lately but hey, whatever floats your boat. I love her anyway. I just sit and watch and shake my head and wonder what happened to the music. Seriously…

I have been here for 5 months now. I have had 5 months to clear the cobwebs and become a new person.
This chapter of my life has been interesting so far. I have gone from breadwinner to housewife and it seems I have lost a huge part of my identity in the process.

Unsure of what role it is I am playing, I have been wandering around aimlessly and reinventing myself once again. This journey is not new. I have played many roles in my life. Daughter, Granddaughter, Lover, Wife, Mother, Manager, Sister, Friend. It is an interesting process called living.

I never imagined grief would make me feel so old. I never realized grief strips away a huge part of your soul and leaves such a huge empty hole in you to fill.

I also never knew that in the course of a long term relationship the roles change and become interchangeable. I thought I was sure of who I was when I was in my 20’s. Then that was laughable when I turned 30 and it all changed again. Now in my 40’s I am becoming a new person for the millionth time. Is this what life is? The ever changing roles of a woman or man? Do you ever get to find out who it is you are? Do you ever get to realize the fullness of yourself and just accept who you are?

I suppose some people are aware of who they are and it never changes for them. I feel fortunate to have had many opportunities to change the person I am. I feel lucky to have this fresh start in my life and the possibilities are
endless for me at this time.

All time is now. Past, Present and Future. It all is making so much sense to me. I have lived a few lives I’m sure. But I am not an old soul yet. I believe I have many more journeys in this life and after this life. I am too new at this. I have always had a wandering soul. A spirit that is searching for fulfillment. I am never
content with myself exactly as I am. It is a burden sometimes, but I can also see it as a blessing if I allow myself that luxury.

Tomorrow Tee has a job interview. I feel pretty confident she will get it. This will leave me with some actual hours to fill each day where I am alone. I have many things to occupy my time. This house is large, the upkeep is not minimal. I have come full circle. I have not been a meal planner for many years. I have not cooked for many years. That is my job now. I am enjoying it.

I find it curious that I have come full circle about 13 years later. I do not have small children to care for any longer but I do have a partner and animals to nurture and love. I do not feel as needed as I once did but there
is a great freedom in that.

Each day is a new page. A blank slate. It is up to me to write the words that are there.
I am doing it.
I am living.
I am grateful.

In 2007 when T. and I lived apart for the first time, I started taking Tylenol PM every night and the insomnia went away. Recently it has come back. I am trying to wean myself from the Tylenol PM and of course the old insomnia was waiting patiently, wanting to show it’s ugly face.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I got up and came back into the living room and heard the old voices in my head telling me to eat. I am of course trying to change my eating habits and I’ve been pretty much in control for over a month now. So the fact that the binge monster showed up at the same time as the insomnia monster really threw me. I tried to talk myself out of it. Searching for something on TV to watch instead. It didn’t work.

I ate but not too much. It was the equivalent of a normal meal. I even calculated the calories of my “binge”.. What bothers me about it is that I felt so out of control. It was like I saw myself doing it and couldn’t stop.

I have always had issues with food. It has been my comforter, my friend, my sleeping pill. I am trying to change my feelings about food and look at it as just nourishment but it’s hard to let old habits and feelings die. I realize this has been going on for years and it’s not going to change overnight.

I remember being a child and lying awake in my room listening to my Mom rummaging for food and eating uncontrollably. I also heard the purging that went on afterward. My Mom was a bulimic. I imagine it was her control in life. She had so little control over my Father’s drinking and needed to control something. I wasn’t really aware of what was happening then but in retrospect I can see it clearly now. I believe those things stay with you and make imprints on your psyche. They can influence your choices and they certainly influenced mine.

I have never been a healthy eater. I have always eaten what tastes good and on no kind of schedule. This healthy eating is brand new to me. It’s a brand new challenge I am taking on and I’m excited to see where it takes me.

I’m trying new foods and recipes daily. It’s a wonderful thing to eat healthy and still enjoy the food I am eating. I have always equated healthy eating with food that tastes lousy or bland. Last night we had brown rice with a new chicken dish I tried. It was delicious. It is something I plan on continuing.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I got up and binge ate. It is a pattern and a cycle in me. I acknowledge it and let it go. Today is a new day and my eating is back on track. I worked out and it felt extra good to get rid of some of those calories. One of the extra bonuses is that I indulged my cravings and now they are gone.

I have not felt like blogging for two days now and I’m not sure why that is.  I think it’s because of the hope and joy I was feeling yesterday and not wanting to come down because of all the criticisms and comments I always read where politics are concerned.

I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and all that.  I just didn’t feel like reading about it.  My choice.

Today I had my Alanon meeting and as always it brought up a tremendous amount of feelings in me.  I cried a lot as I seem to do in my meetings and starting talking about my Dad (who passed away 8 months ago) and how his alcoholism affected me.  Or more how his death from Pancreatic Cancer (caused by the drinking) affected me.  And it was more ugly grief that I needed to feel.

So for two days now I’ve been crying.  For two completely different reasons.  Oh, I am still watching CNN as I did until midnight last night.  And I’m still crying about politics (but joyful tears). 

But I’m also crying about my Dad today and tonight.  I just miss him.  I never thought I would miss him this much.  I didn’t have a real relationship with him but he was still my Dad.  The choices he made in his life affected me as his daughter.  I have some regret but not a lot.  I just really wish it could have been different.

And I wish he hadn’t chosen to suffer with Cancer and not tell anyone how much pain he was in.  I wish he didn’t chose to drink up until the last week of his life.  I wish he didn’t think that we would all judge him and make him stop drinking.  I wish he didn’t think he was a fuck up because he drank so much..

He wasn’t a fuck up .  He was and alcoholic but I still loved him.  And I miss him so much right now.

So forgive me if I can’t write or read everyones posts on their feelings about the Election.  I always seem to make conservative friends.  I don’t know why, I just do.  I love you all just the same.  It’s awesome to read other points of view but right now I can’t seem to do it.  I want to be happy about the inauguration while simultaneously feel very sad about my Father. 

I don’t know why.

I have not felt like blogging for two days now and I’m not sure why that is. I think it’s because of the hope and joy I was feeling yesterday and not wanting to come down because of all the criticisms and comments I always read where politics are concerned.

I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and all that. I just didn’t feel like reading about it. My choice.

Today I had my Alanon meeting and as always it brought up a tremendous amount of feelings in me. I cried a lot as I seem to do in my meetings and starting talking about my Dad (who passed away 8 months ago) and how his alcoholism affected me. Or more how his death from Pancreatic Cancer (caused by the drinking) affected me. And it was more ugly grief that I needed to feel.

So for two days now I’ve been crying. For two completely different reasons. Oh, I am still watching CNN as I did until midnight last night. And I’m still crying about politics (but joyful tears).

But I’m also crying about my Dad today and tonight. I just miss him. I never thought I would miss him this much. I didn’t have a real relationship with him but he was still my Dad. The choices he made in his life affected me as his daughter. I have some regret but not a lot. I just really wish it could have been different.

And I wish he hadn’t chosen to suffer with Cancer and not tell anyone how much pain he was in. I wish he didn’t chose to drink up until the last week of his life. I wish he didn’t think that we would all judge him and make him stop drinking. I wish he didn’t think he was a fuck up because he drank so much..

He wasn’t a fuck up . He was and alcoholic but I still loved him. And I miss him so much right now.

So forgive me if I can’t write or read everyones posts on their feelings about the Election. I always seem to make conservative friends. I don’t know why, I just do. I love you all just the same. It’s awesome to read other points of view but right now I can’t seem to do it. I want to be happy about the inauguration while simultaneously feel very sad about my Father.

I don’t know why.