Obsessive

I have been here for 5 months now. I have had 5 months to clear the cobwebs and become a new person.
This chapter of my life has been interesting so far. I have gone from breadwinner to housewife and it seems I have lost a huge part of my identity in the process.

Unsure of what role it is I am playing, I have been wandering around aimlessly and reinventing myself once again. This journey is not new. I have played many roles in my life. Daughter, Granddaughter, Lover, Wife, Mother, Manager, Sister, Friend. It is an interesting process called living.

I never imagined grief would make me feel so old. I never realized grief strips away a huge part of your soul and leaves such a huge empty hole in you to fill.

I also never knew that in the course of a long term relationship the roles change and become interchangeable. I thought I was sure of who I was when I was in my 20’s. Then that was laughable when I turned 30 and it all changed again. Now in my 40’s I am becoming a new person for the millionth time. Is this what life is? The ever changing roles of a woman or man? Do you ever get to find out who it is you are? Do you ever get to realize the fullness of yourself and just accept who you are?

I suppose some people are aware of who they are and it never changes for them. I feel fortunate to have had many opportunities to change the person I am. I feel lucky to have this fresh start in my life and the possibilities are
endless for me at this time.

All time is now. Past, Present and Future. It all is making so much sense to me. I have lived a few lives I’m sure. But I am not an old soul yet. I believe I have many more journeys in this life and after this life. I am too new at this. I have always had a wandering soul. A spirit that is searching for fulfillment. I am never
content with myself exactly as I am. It is a burden sometimes, but I can also see it as a blessing if I allow myself that luxury.

Tomorrow Tee has a job interview. I feel pretty confident she will get it. This will leave me with some actual hours to fill each day where I am alone. I have many things to occupy my time. This house is large, the upkeep is not minimal. I have come full circle. I have not been a meal planner for many years. I have not cooked for many years. That is my job now. I am enjoying it.

I find it curious that I have come full circle about 13 years later. I do not have small children to care for any longer but I do have a partner and animals to nurture and love. I do not feel as needed as I once did but there
is a great freedom in that.

Each day is a new page. A blank slate. It is up to me to write the words that are there.
I am doing it.
I am living.
I am grateful.