Obsessive

I had a wonderful day yesterday and today.  I lost another 2 pounds since last Wednesday!  Stepping up those workouts has done the trick.

I have not felt like blogging for two days now and I’m not sure why that is.  I think it’s because of the hope and joy I was feeling yesterday and not wanting to come down because of all the criticisms and comments I always read where politics are concerned.

I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and all that.  I just didn’t feel like reading about it.  My choice.

Today I had my Alanon meeting and as always it brought up a tremendous amount of feelings in me.  I cried a lot as I seem to do in my meetings and starting talking about my Dad (who passed away 8 months ago) and how his alcoholism affected me.  Or more how his death from Pancreatic Cancer (caused by the drinking) affected me.  And it was more ugly grief that I needed to feel.

So for two days now I’ve been crying.  For two completely different reasons.  Oh, I am still watching CNN as I did until midnight last night.  And I’m still crying about politics (but joyful tears). 

But I’m also crying about my Dad today and tonight.  I just miss him.  I never thought I would miss him this much.  I didn’t have a real relationship with him but he was still my Dad.  The choices he made in his life affected me as his daughter.  I have some regret but not a lot.  I just really wish it could have been different.

And I wish he hadn’t chosen to suffer with Cancer and not tell anyone how much pain he was in.  I wish he didn’t chose to drink up until the last week of his life.  I wish he didn’t think that we would all judge him and make him stop drinking.  I wish he didn’t think he was a fuck up because he drank so much..

He wasn’t a fuck up .  He was and alcoholic but I still loved him.  And I miss him so much right now.

So forgive me if I can’t write or read everyones posts on their feelings about the Election.  I always seem to make conservative friends.  I don’t know why, I just do.  I love you all just the same.  It’s awesome to read other points of view but right now I can’t seem to do it.  I want to be happy about the inauguration while simultaneously feel very sad about my Father. 

I don’t know why.